Cry Baby

Tears to Roses

“My Love is, just waiting to turn your tears to roses . . . My Love is, a burning, consuming fire.” Skillet-Whispers in the Dark

“As  I sat in my cell, it was comforting to have a new cellie. At least I wasn’t alone any more.. She started to pace, pissed off that she was in there over the same lying, dyke, ass, bullshit inmate–plus it separated her from her lesbian lover  something I learned you don’t get in the mix of while doing time any where any time.) I thought to myself, “Man, I see a lot of crying going on in here,” and I realized that I had been doing the same without acknowledging it. Meaning every time I cried, it seemed like the first time each and every time because I was so use to doing it. I know it sounds crazy, but I had gone through so much in my life that my crying had become a habit that although was seen by others was unseen and concealed from me because it had become like second nature and a part of living invisibly.

I stood up and said, “Don’t trip chocolate chip butch. It ain’t worth your tears or frustration. I mean, think about it, you will end up with more time and another write up and more time locked up, plus away from your boo. Or, you can let it go and face up to her on another day where you know she will run anyway right?”.

Curls, that was her name, just smiled . She said, “Thanks mama G.”  I nodded and smiled with acceptance. “Yep. Thaz how I roll , thought you knew.” As I winked my eye, She said, “Its dusty. Lets clean. Got some maxi pads?” I shook my head, “No.” So we banged  on the cell door for the guard to get us 3 each. She then showed me how to dust the cell floor with one end of the pad then picked up the dirt with the sticky part as well as cleaned the toilet and mirrors. I was amazed on how well these worked and how clean our cell was. Afterwards, she showed me how to tie the sheets around my bed mattress tightly so it would stay secure and more comfortable.

We ate dinner together, talked for a while, and then I read the Bible while she and her lover window wrote one another. That’s where you stand in opposition of the other inmate and spell out a conversation letter by letter over the whole window . When lights were out you could hear the sniffles of some women crying. I held my bible with tears coming down my face and realizing for the first time that I wasn’t alone. For the first time, I realized I wasn’t the only CRY BABY, and I’m sure there were many more out there in the world just like us–seen and unseen.

Discernment Of The Holy Spirit

20 Christ in flames
As they took me to segregation all kinds of emotions burned inside of me. How dare that man-looking, butch dyke lie. But when you think about it, she was a female just like me, know matter how much she looked and acted like a man.

They put me in my cell in a different pod than max -where I was before. It was dark and gloomy. I laid  on my bunk, and for the first time since I set foot in the facility  I cried. I felt so alone, frustrated and deceived.

I cried out to God, “Jesus what did I do wrong? This is so unfair.” I was so hurt that it actually felt like the pain was burning my heart. Then all of a sudden, I heard a voice in my cell. At first I thought I was trippin’,  but then I heard it again. It was the most powerful, mightiest whisper you could ever hear. “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger – Proverbs 15:1.”  I reached for my Bible and  there it was in black and white. As I reread it, my heart was convicted. I had to watch what came out of my mouth.  In the same way the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark spark can set a forest fire. – James 3:5 -6. In other words, I needed to watch what came out of my mouth because what we say to others can be perceived wrong, or hurtful, even threatening. It can start a huge fight and problems that will spread just like a wild fire.

I cried really hard at that moment and I think it was just what I needed. I hadn’t cried since the day the DEA kicked in the doors of my house. I sat there for a while. And then I repented. I knew the only one to make me better was Jesus.

After I made my peace with God, I was reading Matthew 18:22-22 in the Bible. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord how many times should I forgive my brother (and sister) who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you not seven times but seventy seven times.”  There it was. I prayed right at that moment, “Lord Its hard to forgive her with all the pain I feel, but I speak into existence forgiveness, no matter how bad it hurts and how much I cant stand her. Please Lord, I forgive her. Help me come to acceptance  and receive  your grace in doing so. Help me feel it in my heart because its your will and not mine”.

In time I was able to put it past me. To my surprise little by little ,day by day, woman by woman seg was filling up, and it was all due to the same person who was responsible for me being there. And Oh man were the women mad!  But  I had moved past the same pain they were all dwelling on and it came to pass for me.I realized that forgiving someone is not just the right Godly command of my God but it also releases the other persons power over me. I knew I was in control of my own destiny, and doing it God’s way I found a freedom of dissension ( argument that leads to discord ) a vital part of the way to live not just in  incarceration but in life-period.

Word Bullies

Every time I was out of my cell, someone was always arguing with Black Widow. So, I walked over and asked her if she would like to play a game of cards. Her smile was welcoming, but I noticed right away that  some of the women, like Indian who argued with black widow daily, starred at me. Then Indian flat out loud told me, “Don’t play cards with that bitch!” Without hesitation, Black Widow and Indian started arguing.  I just sat there like, “Really? Damn. If you cant get along, just keep your damn mouths shut.”

It was time to lock down again and  I was in my cell when a C.O. came in asked me  if I knew of a woman named Bully from Weld County. I told her I never even heard of the woman.  Being born and raised in Denver, Weld County  was non- existent to me.  I asked the C.O , “Why?”

She explained that like me, for fighting, she has a separation on another inmate and has to do her time in max. So, I got a new roommate. She weighed about 200  pounds and looked like a boy. When I was in the gay scene, she would have been considered to be a bull dyke. She came in very friendly. After conversing with her I soon realized I was enemies with her cousins. I could tell she was getting mad because she started to talk with her chest, which means she stuck her chest out to make herself look tough. I wasn’t afraid of her.  To me she couldn’t bust a grape on a thirsty day.

Actually, I wasn’t the type to ever back down from anyone. My momma says I’ve been that way since I was little. I  remember my first fist fight back in kindergarten. We were always fighting in my old hood in Five Points on the East side of Denver. Back then it was better known  as the Ghetto. My older sister and I would get jumped and beat up for our food stamps.  We were in elementary school, and the girls who jumped us were in junior high.  We got tired of it and started to fight back.

I have been fist fighting ever since. My last fight was a few years ago in my late thirties. If you count me and my X battling, then my last fight was a few months ago. He is a big brotha, half Mexican half black  ,6’2″ and  230 pounds.

So yeah, I wasn’t afraid of no bitch. Even if they got the best of me, I would come back again and again until I knew it was finished.  Then I came to find out that she  was an instigator. Always running at the mouth about someone, thinking she was the shit. Well to make a long story short we were always arguing and there was always tension between us. Finally we were both back in the G-pod because the girl was gone that I got into it with.The one Bully had a separation on, called it truths with the C.O . We had more freedom to move around in a bigger pod, me being the bigger  person went up to Bully and said,”Listen. I wont speak on you, but I’m telling you now, keep my name out yo mouth.”  She looked scared .

As we all locked down, the C.Os came to my four-man room and told me to turn around with my legs apart. Then they handcuffed me. I knew right away who it was and why. Ugh!That Bully bitch whoe!!! I was off to seg again. Twenty-three hour lock down for two weeks.

Discernment Through the Holy Spirit

dove_fire

After speaking with Clown Face, we had to lock down for the night. As I  laid on my bunk, I couldn’t get her demeanor out of my head. She was so matter-of-fact about burning an apartment building down. Like it was no big deal! Who or whom were they who led this lost soul into doing so much evil that it destroyed her conception of what was true and what was false–in a give-and-take world that Satan rules.

I never knew this until I read  2 Corinthians 4:4. Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the good news. They don’t understand the message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

That scripture speaks volumes to everyone who is lost like Clown Face. I think we all go through our trials and tribulations. But, to be led by someone who is put in a trusting position is dangerous, because it can be a loved one or even someone of authority who can lead you down that path. Whoever it was in Clown Face’s life, they led her into prison–and what’s sad is, she wasn’t just locked down with felons, but she was on her way to the State Mental Hospital. She was a sick li’l puppy. And, she had been for who knew how long.

The whole month I was there in max. I never seen her get one visit from anyone. I figured she was forgotten. Which is really sad. Her family probably couldn’t handle her anymore. The more I talked with her, the more she took to me. I was always putting my hand up against the window so she could hold her hand  opposite of mine on the other side, to give her comfort, to let her know I seen her and I cared.

Sometimes, when you do the most, it’s because you want to be accepted or noticed. Sometimes, it’s in your heart. Sometimes, it’s because your making a statement.

I found I did the most to prove that I needed to be seen, to be noticed, that I was a person who needed to be loved –period. I was still that five-year-old being sexually abused, then beaten. I was screaming from the inside out:   Help! Save me! See me! Can’t you love me?

I often wondered if Clown Face was molested or abused like I was, and if she was acting out like I did my whole life. I asked. “Jesus  why do bad things happen to little children?”  He  led me to a  few bible passages, and this is what I learned: We live in a fallen world. People have free will to do good or bad. Because of Adam and Eves fall in the garden of Eden, by disobeying God they gave into temptation, which gave birth to sin. Sin separates us from God. ( Genesis 3) There it was. Scales once again fell from my eyes. I finally understood. It has nothing to do with us and has everything to do with who God is. He is such a Holy God, He cannot look upon sin. He is Omniscient ( all knowing). Yes, He knows when sin is going to occur and when it occurs. But, He cannot look upon it.

Woe to the person who harms a pure soul, as that of innocence, for scripture reveals a warning. In the case of Clown Face, Matthew 18:6 says but if you cause one of these little ones who trust in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea. As far as harming a child,  Jesus clearly warns in Matthew 18:10  Beware that you don’t look down on any of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels are always in the presence of my heavenly father. So everything that is done to a child, good or bad, the person doing whatever they do to that child must give an account, and be judged by God Himself.

God is always in control of who dies and when they die. Who are we to question The Almighty? The earth, as well as the heavens and everything in it, belongs to God.

The Key Word in this lesson, I learned from the Holy Spirit that night in my cell. The earth is continually falling and decaying. Day by day, we decay. Day by day, we continue to fall. There it was — my answer. The conclusion was a blessed one from John 3:16.  For God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. 

Once  I became saved, I no longer was a part of this world, but I was adopted by The Heavenly Father into  an eternity of everlasting life.

I am no longer falling, but I’m  passing through on my way home to the heavenly heavens. Upon my repentance, all my sins were, and continue to be, forgiven. From that moment  onward, until Jesus decides to take me home, I am forgiven.

I still have a lot to learn. Going to prison ended my 40 years in the desert. My 40 days of fasting, my time alone in the dark  on the water. God continues to transform me. I was in a place where I was oppressed, lonely, forgotten, cruel, mean, sad, dangerous and restricted from the outside world. But, God had a plan to take me away to a place where I had to depend on Him. I had to call on Him, talk to Him, and know Him so intimately that the experience would be  life changing. Although I was locked up, I would never feel more free in all of my life.

What you are about to witness is where I found myself. My life, My God, and the gift He gave me will knock you off your feet.

Crazy Bitch Pod Part 2

clown

After lock down, they let Clown Face and another psycho inmate into the T.V room then locked them in safely. Thatz one thing about max lock down is we had to share with the women who were being transferred to Pueblo Mental Hospital. The cell door then opened and all of us came out to start walking around the pod for exercise, someone had measured it so we all knew how many times around the pod walking equaled a mile. As I was walking, Clown Face started to knock on the glass door to get my attention, I looked at the C.O. and she said, “Go ahead and talk to her through the glass, but never sneak her any canteen not even candy because she will freak out if you don’t have any next time.” I gave the C.O. a look like as if to question FREAK OUT? The C.O smiled and stated clown face will start barking and howling while jumping up and down. I was like, “Hell naw.” I stepped up to the glass to talk and take a better look at her. I was amazed at how young she really was, wow just a baby . She smiled at me and then with her finger started to trace the outline of my face on the glass window as if to study every marking on my face. I smiled in acceptance then asked who did that to your face?

She asked, “Who did that to your forehead?” due to the sacred Heart of Jesus tattooed right in the middle of it.

I laughed with a quick reply, “A Tatoo shop in Denver.”

She then lifted up her shirt and revealed a tattoo that said, “HYBRID.” I looked at it in agreement then said, “Cool! Is that the same person who tatted your face?” She said, “YEA, same homie. Are you in a set too”?

I smiled!

She said,”I can tell by your arms that you are.”

Her hair was in a big pony tail that stood straight up right in the middle of her head. I asked, “Do you regret your face?”

She said, “Do you ?”

We both laughed as she stressed how different I was compared to other inmates. I asked, In what way?”  She said, “Your my friend!”

I asked, “Why are you in here?”

She said, “Oh, cuz I set a fire . . .  to a house . . . well actually an apartment complex .

I  was like whut the hell? “Did you kill or hurt anyone in the process?”

She said “Don”t know, but the fire was pretty, and hey did you know I’am a part of Bone Thugs n Harmony?”

Her eyes were so big and blue, although her crime was dangerous, you could see that real talk peeps in deed she was just a baby, a mental, psycho,deranged and clown faced inmate but never-the-less a baby.

Maximum Holding Pod: These Bitches Crazy

clown

As soon as my cell door opened, I heard the C.O.s yell, “Shake down.” Which meant all the women has to stand right out side their cells while the County Officers went through all their belongings looking for weapons, drugs etc. while the women C.O.s would take us to the shower so we can strip down to make sure we are not hiding anything on us or in us, squat cough if you get my drift. Once they were done we were let back in our cells to clean up the mess they would make, and I mean our clothes, food from canteen, bedding thrown and turned upside down everywhere.

By the time we were done it was chow. I sat with some women who introduced themselves to me. One said, “You must have been in a fight huh?” I nodded and said, “Yep. Wasn’t really a fight tho, cuz she ran from me.” Then this other lady about in her early 50’s came over and brought me a drink of half cocoa, coffee, with creamer, sugar and a fireball candy. Its how we made cappuccinos jail style. She said, “Here you go, a lil gift I like to give to everyone who gets out of seg. Sucks being locked down for 2 weeks ,23 hours a day huh?” I smiled and nodded my head in agreement as she walked away. Then one of the women I was sitting with, who was an Indian, turned to me and whispered, Thats the black widow. Her husbands keep dying. Last one got shot over eight times.” Then the Indian asked me, “You gonna eat your boiled eggs? If not, can I have them?” The lady who gave me the drink-we will call her Widow due to her alleged crime-walked over to the C.O.s and pointed at the Indian. Then the Indian started screaming at the Widow, “If you have something to say, say it to my face and not to the C.O.s, you snitch!” The C.O. then got up and made the Indian lock down for the rest of chow until dinner.

One of the young girls sat there and said, “Welcome to the crazy bitch pod. They’er the only crazy ones.” But then I looked around and seen a young girl with a colored clown face on her. I looked at her then back at the girl that was talking to me as if to say, ” Uh,what about that one? HELLO!”

Meth =Heroin=Crack= Demon Possesion

satan 1

Understand that these three drugs are full of witchcraft. I know Steve Box knows because we did them and experienced the consequences first hand of the power of the demonic world around them.

I sat in my cell and seen how these drugs I had done parallel with each other. In fact I remember looking into a crack pipe full of resin. I mean it was packed from smoking so much. In the brillow at the end of the pipe where the crack is filtered through and lit by a lighter had all kinds of faces of demonic figures. One time, I even showed it to my older two girls just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

Yea I know pretty sad my older two knew I smoked it and they also sold it themselves. I just stood there during lock-down shaking my head and sighing about what was I thinking, all the crap I put my girls through at the hands of Satan’s tools that drugs bring.

I remember one demon face in particular. He l had a boar’s face with a human mouth that was sewed shut with dingy string, and weird enough, he was wearing a nut crackers soldier hat. His eyes so black and cold. I was gonna throw it away but another crackhead flew at the chance of getting hold of it because it was filled with resin. In my stupid mind at the time, I gave it to him. Damn it to hell, Lord, I’m sorry. I should have smashed it. That’s how I know I was under the control of something else, something evil that didn’t care, or I was too zombied out or numb to think in my right state of mind.

Oh, God, what have I been doing to so many of your sheep. I didn’t know , I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me! Please Jesus! I fell on my knees and started crying in my cell. Thank God I didn’t have a celly at the time and was alone.

Most heroin users turn themselves into human voodoo dolls constantly stabbing themselves with needles while injecting a demon called the Dragon, cuz you feel a hot flush run through your veins. then you become under the control of its power by being powerless full of sloth.

I’am alive! I can’t believe I’am still here on earth. The pain was so great that day that my chest started to hurt. So I picked up the Bible and read it until I felt better.  And you know what? It worked! It was so calming,as if Jesus was telling me its over and everything will be brand new. I fell asleep holding my bible that night thinking I miss my mommy, my girls, even my husband. Somehow I knew deep down I was going to prison and that it was because I was in for a big change, a change only God can make from the inside out. As I drifted to sleep I just kept breathing steadily thinking, “You got this Jesus. You got me. You’ll protect me. I know you’re in control.