After speaking with Clown Face, we had to lock down for the night. As I laid on my bunk, I couldn’t get her demeanor out of my head. She was so matter-of-fact about burning an apartment building down. Like it was no big deal! Who or whom were they who led this lost soul into doing so much evil that it destroyed her conception of what was true and what was false–in a give-and-take world that Satan rules.
I never knew this until I read 2 Corinthians 4:4. Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the good news. They don’t understand the message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.
That scripture speaks volumes to everyone who is lost like Clown Face. I think we all go through our trials and tribulations. But, to be led by someone who is put in a trusting position is dangerous, because it can be a loved one or even someone of authority who can lead you down that path. Whoever it was in Clown Face’s life, they led her into prison–and what’s sad is, she wasn’t just locked down with felons, but she was on her way to the State Mental Hospital. She was a sick li’l puppy. And, she had been for who knew how long.
The whole month I was there in max. I never seen her get one visit from anyone. I figured she was forgotten. Which is really sad. Her family probably couldn’t handle her anymore. The more I talked with her, the more she took to me. I was always putting my hand up against the window so she could hold her hand opposite of mine on the other side, to give her comfort, to let her know I seen her and I cared.
Sometimes, when you do the most, it’s because you want to be accepted or noticed. Sometimes, it’s in your heart. Sometimes, it’s because your making a statement.
I found I did the most to prove that I needed to be seen, to be noticed, that I was a person who needed to be loved –period. I was still that five-year-old being sexually abused, then beaten. I was screaming from the inside out: Help! Save me! See me! Can’t you love me?
I often wondered if Clown Face was molested or abused like I was, and if she was acting out like I did my whole life. I asked. “Jesus why do bad things happen to little children?” He led me to a few bible passages, and this is what I learned: We live in a fallen world. People have free will to do good or bad. Because of Adam and Eves fall in the garden of Eden, by disobeying God they gave into temptation, which gave birth to sin. Sin separates us from God. ( Genesis 3) There it was. Scales once again fell from my eyes. I finally understood. It has nothing to do with us and has everything to do with who God is. He is such a Holy God, He cannot look upon sin. He is Omniscient ( all knowing). Yes, He knows when sin is going to occur and when it occurs. But, He cannot look upon it.
Woe to the person who harms a pure soul, as that of innocence, for scripture reveals a warning. In the case of Clown Face, Matthew 18:6 says but if you cause one of these little ones who trust in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea. As far as harming a child, Jesus clearly warns in Matthew 18:10 Beware that you don’t look down on any of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels are always in the presence of my heavenly father. So everything that is done to a child, good or bad, the person doing whatever they do to that child must give an account, and be judged by God Himself.
God is always in control of who dies and when they die. Who are we to question The Almighty? The earth, as well as the heavens and everything in it, belongs to God.
The Key Word in this lesson, I learned from the Holy Spirit that night in my cell. The earth is continually falling and decaying. Day by day, we decay. Day by day, we continue to fall. There it was — my answer. The conclusion was a blessed one from John 3:16. For God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.
Once I became saved, I no longer was a part of this world, but I was adopted by The Heavenly Father into an eternity of everlasting life.
I am no longer falling, but I’m passing through on my way home to the heavenly heavens. Upon my repentance, all my sins were, and continue to be, forgiven. From that moment onward, until Jesus decides to take me home, I am forgiven.
I still have a lot to learn. Going to prison ended my 40 years in the desert. My 40 days of fasting, my time alone in the dark on the water. God continues to transform me. I was in a place where I was oppressed, lonely, forgotten, cruel, mean, sad, dangerous and restricted from the outside world. But, God had a plan to take me away to a place where I had to depend on Him. I had to call on Him, talk to Him, and know Him so intimately that the experience would be life changing. Although I was locked up, I would never feel more free in all of my life.
What you are about to witness is where I found myself. My life, My God, and the gift He gave me will knock you off your feet.